Have you ever felt like you were out in an open field in total darkness, defenseless? That you were in a place where all the lights from the civilized world had long been shut down for the night? A place where the night sky is black, with not a star in sight, not even a sliver of a moon to give you a glimpse of what lies ahead of you?
Now imagine that place is a place inside of you. Then, you have an idea of what my frame of mind was. There was nothing that would turn on a light of hope inside of me...or was there? I'd soon learn that sometimes the smallest thing can be the trigger that leads us out of the darkness of despair. On this day, I'd have a life-altering lesson.
With so many stressors in my life...chronic pain at unbearable levels on some days, financial woes that I believed to be overwhelming and advancing age that had left me struggling with depression for months, I did all the things the experts suggested. I took daily walks, even on my most painful days. I read self-help books. I journaled. I meditated. And most of all, I prayed. Almost hourly...it seemed on some days. "God, where are you?" I cried.
After I heard that someone who owed me a good sum of money had bought a brand new car...only two days after they told me that they were unable to pay me anything on their debt, I was devastated. A feeling of outrage and betrayal filled my soul.
"Lord," I ranted. "What am I doing wrong? How could you let this happen to me? You know I need a new roof, a running vehicle and money to meet my basic needs? Am I not your child?" I sobbed. But still no answer came.
I got down on bended knee, praying for a sign...that somehow his will would be done
....and that I could forgive... and even wish for a blessing for the family that had wronged me. I knew what God wanted me to do ...but I struggled with it.
I knew deep in my soul that God would not let me suffer but the devil stayed inside my head, egging me on in my disbelief. I prayed more. Still, I found no answer. A war raged on inside me, as I cried myself to sleep.
I slept soundly for ten hours-something I had not done for almost two years. Due to the
pain, my usual night of sleep was around three to four hours at the most. I woke up in less physical pain than the day before. I decided to start my day with a prayer.
After my time with God, I walked over to a friend's house. She was a good Christian and I knew that talking to her would help. It did. We talked about how sometimes we miss the little things God gives us when we are bogged down in life's strife. We prayed that I would come to terms with and accept God's will as his humble servant.
When I didn't think God was listening, he was preparing me for bigger and better things...or should I say ...smaller and better.
On the walk home, I prayed that this feeling of peace would continue. "Please Lord...let me keep this peace. Let me walk past their car and not be affected," I pleaded aloud.
About half way back to my house, on a dusty country road, out in the middle of nowhere, I looked down. There it was...the sign I had been looking for....one that God had given to me. To some this may sound strange but I knew without a doubt that it was from God the moment I saw it.
The small dark rock with an indented crescent moon shape...a new moon...was a symbol for a new beginning...a new sense of hope. My mind flashed back to the evening before when I had felt like I was alone in the dark. When I felt...vulnerable...in a darkness that seemed to be never ending. Now, I had moonlight in my soul's darkness.
I heard a voice in my head saying, "Believe in me!" As I rubbed my fingers over the crescent shaped moon, I started to cry. My heart filled with a sense of peace and joy like I had not known ever before. "You were listening," I wept, tears streaming down my face. My faith soared. To think...even in my darkest hour, God had heard little old insignificant me.
Now weeks later, I still get goose bumps when I think about that morning. Others can tell me that it was just a coincidence...but I know that God loved me enough to provide me with something I could use to renew my faith.
Since that day, my faith has grown so much. It has provided me with a chance to witness
to others about the wonderful God that I know and love. And that alone is a miracle because I had always had difficulty testifying.
When I shared my miracle, others shared the goodness of God in their lives. It is often said that God works in mysterious ways. For me ...one tiny rock with the indentation of a crescent moon was all the affirmations of his love and devotion I needed.
Copyright © November, 2007 – Peg Finley. All rights reserved.
